A place in the sun: diplomatically navigating a new normal

KINGSTON, JAMAICA—When I attend diplomatic functions with my wife, who is employed by Global Affairs Canada, other guests ask what I do for a living. My better two-thirds often interjects that I was in media, left my job to join her, but I’m also very handy. Between cocktail sips and the din, it often sounds like she’s saying I’m very handsy. I clarify, and we move on in the conversation, but now with everyone steadfastly aware of my ability to build a small table and solve minor plumbing issues. And so, armed with my handiness, I have over the last eight months been on a journey of self-discovery as the accompanying spouse to a Canadian diplomat on posting. Besides the fact that I’m a dead ringer for Hal Wyler (actor Rufus Sewell), the role we both play shares very few similarities to his on the Netflix hit The Diplomat. My job, outside of being a de facto majordomo of a lovely three-bedroom townhome in the suburbs of Kingston, Jamaica, has been to—and I’m quoting my wife—“find something that makes you happy.” That’s a Sisyphean task for any man in his 40s. We don’t pivot very well (bad knees) and it’s hard for us to make new friends unless its during recreational sports (a risk for bad knees). So, when we arrived in Jamaica and my wife gave me a copy of the Mission Report (basically a local Global Affairs onboarding folder), I figured surely, in this 40-page PDF, there would be some advice to help us listless spouses adjust. Indeed, we come up a few times, but perhaps the most focused of those instances is in a section under the heading “Social Activities and Clubs.“ Despite it having been written in 2021, the final paragraph begins with this Mulroney-era throwback: “For spouses, there are groups that meet during working hours such as the Canadian Women's Club, the American Women's Club (which welcomes non-American members), and the French-speaking women’s Association.” All fine groups I’m sure, but I’m willing to bet that attempting to join any of them as a man will not result in the farcical humour of a National Lampoon film. The idea that the accompanying spouse is female, and likely a stay-at-home mom, is pervasive, and not just in the literature provided, but also in general attitudes. While the question of what I do professionally comes up at diplomatic engagements (as my wife is already a known entity, and she wears a fancy pin), at other social functions it’s assumed that I’m the diplomat. Sure, my uniform of T-shirt, cargo shorts, and sandals scream cultural attaché, but more often than not, I’m stuck deflecting the assumption. The most well-received of which is, “Oh no, my wife works for the High Commission, I’m just the arm candy.” Which honestly, with a current mission of “find what makes you happy,” isn’t that far off. I wish I didn’t have to say it. I’ll admit, I never thought the patriarchy would ever make me feel bad. It was designed by people like me for people like me. I guess what they didn’t take into account is that sometimes, people like me spend time with people that aren’t like me, and there’s the rub. Because as a diplomatic family we’re literally here to spend time with people who aren’t exactly like us. We learn from them and they learn that I can snake a drain. At several points in The Diplomat, my doppelganger Hal Wyler refers to himself as “The Wife.” It’s meant to add a bit of levity, but it sticks, in a bad way. Maybe that’s how I find what makes me happy as I navigate this new role. I’m the husband. Andrew Elliott has spent two decades hosting radio shows around the world, most recently in Ottawa, and now writes stuff from his home in Kingston, Jamaica. The Hill Times

A place in the sun: diplomatically navigating a new normal

Over the last eight months, I have been on a journey of self-discovery as the accompanying spouse to a Canadian diplomat on posting.

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A place in the sun: diplomatically navigating a new normal

Over the last eight months, I have been on a journey of self-discovery as the accompanying spouse to a Canadian diplomat on posting.

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